The USS Placid is on assignment to the Sig-Sixma system. Captain T'Pin has been tasked to negotiate a ceasefire between the Cantaar of SS-5 and the Kinleer of SS-7, whose ongoing feud over the recently-discovered ruins of an ancient temple on SS-6 is detrimentally affecting Federation interests within the system.
I am pausing here to allow the captain to correct any factual errors in my summary.
[VULCAN FEMALE] I have no corrections to make at this time.
Let the record show that I'm flabbergasted.
[VULCAN FEMALE] However, I may have... comments.
And thus is my flabber un-gasted.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Bridge to Lieutenant Sylek. I need you to translate the commander's nonsense for me.
I'll take that as an admission of defeat.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Your recent habit of assigning "wins" and "losses" to our interactions is swiftly losing its novelty. –Lieutenant Sylek, report to the bridge.
I accept your surrender. You were a nerdy adversary.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Sylek, acknowledge.
...Want me to go check–
[VULCAN MALE] Sylek to Bridge.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Explain the delay in your response.
[VULCAN MALE] It is time, captain.
Time for what?
[VULCAN FEMALE] You are mistaken, lieutenant. I have been monitoring–
[VULCAN MALE] It is the time. There can be no mistake.
The time for what, Sylek?
[VULCAN FEMALE] It is improbable that we would be desynchronized to this degree. Report to the bridge immediately.
[VULCAN MALE] ...Yes, sir.
Is this some private Vulcan thing? Should I just leave?
[VULCAN FEMALE] Commander, desist.
He definitely sounds stressed. That's... unusual.
[VULCAN FEMALE] You should not say any such thing to him.
I won't, I won't. I'll save all my sass for you, captain.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Thank you for this dubious honor.
[VULCAN MALE] Reporting as ordered, sir.
Oh, wow. Are you okay, lieutenant? You're looking peaky.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Commander– Oh. –I see why you came to the conclusion you did.
[VULCAN MALE] Improbable as it seems, we are out of synchronization.
[VULCAN FEMALE] I stand corrected. You may return to your quarters.
[VULCAN MALE] I would prefer to remain... proximate.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Understood. Resume your post.
...I don't understand what just happened, but I doubt very much that either the captain or the lieutenant will offer any explanation.
I'll take the conspicuous silence as a no. –'Az, how long before we reach SS-6?
[EFROSIAN FEMALE] Five hours and thirty-eight minutes, sir.
Oh, boy. This is going to be a long watch.
[[THE FOLLOWING IS FROM THE SHIP'S RECORDER. THE RECORDED PARTIES' NAMES HAVE BEEN ADDED AS ATTRIBUTIONS AFTER THE FACT.]]
CPT T'PIN: Lieutenant Sylek, open a channel to the Cantaar ship.
LT SYLEK: Channel open, sir.
CPT T'PIN: This is Captain T'Pin of the USS Placid. I wish to speak to the representative of the Cantaar of SS-5.
HATTA FEEN: How dare you speak to us of those infidels who defile the sacred temple of our foremothers?!
CPT T'PIN: I apologize for the error. I did not know that we were in contact with the Kinleer.
HATTA FEEN: That you did not intend to contact us first is the gravest of insults. We are not convinced of your sincerity as a negotiator.
CMDR BECKER: Pardon me, captain. –Do we have the great honor of addressing her holiness, the most magnificent Hatta Feen?
HATTA FEEN: You have that honor.
CMDR BECKER: Your holiness, by your grace we bask in the light of the Qitaan.
HATTA FEEN: You may speak, enlightened one. Why were we not meant to have been contacted before our enemies?
CMDR BECKER: Your holiness, it is imperative that we instruct the unenlightened ones to keep their distance from the sacred site.
HATTA FEEN: It is indeed. Let not the shadows taint the temple.
CMDR BECKER: As, in their ignorance, they may follow you to the temple, we would ask that you also maintain a comparable distance. It grieves us to ask this of your holiness.
HATTA FEEN: Very well, enlightened one. You speak with wisdom and respect. We will do as you have asked, and we give our blessing to do what is necessary.
CMDR BECKER: Your grace brings light to all, your holiness. –Don't close the channel. Let them end the call first.
LT SYLEK: They have closed the channel.
CPT T'PIN: That would have been disastrous for our negotiations without the commander's intervention. –When did you learn about their religion, commander? Yesterday you said you had never heard of the Kinleer.
CMDR BECKER: While you guys were having Awkward Silence Time, I did a little bit of reading.
CPT T'PIN: I rescind any previous statements I have made that implicitly denigrated your intelligence.
CMDR BECKER: You're welcome, and ouch.
CPT T'PIN: Lieutenant Sylek, if there is a second mistake, you will be relieved.
LT SYLEK: Understood, captain.
CPT T'PIN: Open a channel to the Cantaar ship.
LT SYLEK: Channel open, sir.
CPT T'PIN: This is Captain T'Pin of the USS Placid. Whom do I have the honor of addressing?
PM MAHK OEE: Pleasure to meet you, captain. I am Mahk Oee, prime minister of the Cantaar.
CPT T'PIN: Greetings, your excellency. I believe it was your government which requested a negotiator from the United Federation of Planets.
PM MAHK OEE: Indeed we did. It seemed the only means to achieve a meaningful compromise with the Kinleer. They are such a backward civilization, it amazes me that they ever developed interplanetary capability.
LT SYLEK: Disrespectful.
PM MAHK OEE: Did you say something, captain?
CPT T'PIN: ...I was reflecting on our recent interaction with the Hatta Feen. She had very little patience for anyone who did not share her faith.
PM MAHK OEE: My condolences, captain. The Hatta Feen is exceptionally hardheaded. All our previous attempts at reasoning with her have ended with declarations of some sort of holy war. Their absurd religious fervor makes them virtually impossible to negotiate with.
LT SYLEK: Condescending.
CPT T'PIN: Lieutenant, I do not require an opinion from you at this time.
LT SYLEK: Forgive me, sir. I don't know what came over me.
PM MAHK OEE: I can't blame your lieutenant. The stress of dealing with the Kinleer is enough to affect even the most logical of minds.
LT SYLEK: That must be it, your excellency.
PM MAHK OEE: Captain, where will the negotiations be held?
CPT T'PIN: On board the Placid, serving as neutral ground. –Incidentally, your excellency, I request that the Cantaar maintain sufficient distance from the historical site so as to avoid provoking the Kinleer. We managed to convince the Kinleer to do the same.
PM MAHK OEE: Never let it be said that the Cantaar have less self-control than the Kinleer. We will abide by your request.
CPT T'PIN: Thank you for your cooperation. I will be in touch shortly with details of the first session.
PM MAHK OEE: You've pleasantly surprised me, captain. I thought, or rather feared, that you might be as irrational as the Hatta Feen, as you are also a woman, but–
LT SYLEK: Channel closed, captain.
CPT T'PIN: Did they close it?
LT SYLEK: No, sir. I did.
CPT T'PIN: For what purpose, and on what authority, did you cut off the prime minister?
LT SYLEK: He was being insufferable.
CPT T'PIN: Yeoman Bereux to the bridge. –I am relieving you, lieutenant.
LT SYLEK: Captain–
CPT T'PIN: You were warned.
LT SYLEK: T'Pin, you must not send me away. I cannot breathe without–
CPT T'PIN: Commander, escort Lieutenant Sylek to his quarters.
CMDR BECKER: Yes, captain. ...Not to Sickbay?
CPT T'PIN: You have your orders, commander.
LT SYLEK: T'Pin–!
CMDR BECKER: Come on, Sylek. Let's get out of the captain's hair.
LT SYLEK: T'Pin, I...
CPT T'PIN: I know. –Commander, do what you can for him—as a favor, not an order.
CMDR BECKER: Of course, sir.
First Officer's Log, Stardate 3403.9
[VULCAN MALE] Please don't.
Fine. End log.
Personal Log, Stardate 3403.9
[VULCAN MALE] Commander–
You're refusing to go to Sickbay.
[VULCAN MALE] I do not need to go to Sickbay.
I want that on the record, one way or the other. If you're seriously ill–
[VULCAN MALE] It is not an illness, sir.
Well, then what is it?
[VULCAN MALE] I cannot discuss it.
So I was right about this being a weird Vulcan thing. Should I get a Vulcan crewman?
[VULCAN MALE] It can only be T'Pin. She knows this.
Oh. Oh, jeez. Is this a sex thing?
[VULCAN MALE] We do not speak of it.
That's a yes, then. Yikes.
[VULCAN MALE] I do not understand. We are bonded—she should be with me.
She's in the middle of some very touchy negotiations, and you're acting like a human teenager. It's pretty clear why you two can't be together right now.
[VULCAN MALE] But we are bonded, commander. She and I should be suffering alike. How is she unaffected?
Surely– Here, Sylek, you nearly walked past your own room. –Should I come in?
[VULCAN MALE] Please—it is easier to breathe when I am close to you.
Okay, I'll stay for a while. The captain did say to do what I can for you.
[VULCAN MALE] She did...? She knows that I... that you...
What are you talking about? ...What did she tell you?
[VULCAN MALE] She knows that I am attracted to you. Did she mean to–
No—she couldn't have meant to have me... satisfy you. She knows that wouldn't be possible.
[VULCAN MALE] It would be possible, but I cannot allow it. Soon I will be unable to control myself. I might cause grave injury to you.
That's not the problem, Sylek. You wouldn't be attracted to me if you knew the truth.
[VULCAN MALE] What truth?
Forgive me for this, but... you need to see this.
[VULCAN MALE] Commander, what– Why are you disrobing?? I– [...] Oh.
You see? I'm a chimera. I started life as fraternal twins—one female, one male—but the male was absorbed into the female, and survived only as patches of cells in her body. Nobody knew about it until... well, it doesn't matter. This is what I am now.
[VULCAN MALE] Commander... I have a question.
Would I please leave? I'll go as soon as I'm dressed.
[VULCAN MALE] No—no, don't go. That was not my question.
Then ask it, Sylek, and let me slink away to nurse my wounded pride.
[VULCAN MALE] Commander Becker... may I call you Lois?
...Yes.
[VULCAN MALE] Lois, I am swiftly approaching a physiological state known as the blood fever. If you remain here, you will almost certainly sustain grievous harm when my primitive urges overwhelm me.
You mean... you aren't... disgusted?
[VULCAN MALE] No, Lois. Lois, please, listen to what I tell you. I will not be able to control myself. You must leave before I reach that point. I could not bear it if I were to harm you.
Really? You're serious? You're still attracted to me?
[VULCAN MALE] Lois–! You are not hearing me!
I hear you, Sylek. I don't mind.
[VULCAN MALE] Mind...?
If the captain wants me to take care of you, and if you want me, then let me stay. Whatever you need to do to get through this blood fever thing, I'm willing to endure it.
[VULCAN MALE] Lois, you can't–
You can't tell me I'm still attractive to you and then expect me to walk out on you. That's called being a cocktease.
[VULCAN MALE] A what? –Lois, if you insist on remaining, at least take this.
A phaser? How romantic.
[VULCAN MALE] It is set on heavy stun. If I injure you, or even if I frighten you, then you must use it on me. Do you understand?
Seriously? ...Okay, okay, I get it.
[VULCAN MALE] Lois, I– I still think you should–
Not a chance. –Oh, but I'll do us both a favor.
End log!
[[THE FOLLOWING IS FROM THE SHIP'S MEDICAL LOG. THE RECORDED PARTIES' NAMES HAVE BEEN ADDED AS ATTRIBUTIONS AFTER THE FACT.]]
CMDR BECKER: Turn that off.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: I can't. I'm obligated to keep a record of any assault.
CMDR BECKER: It wasn't an assault. It was just a little rough.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: A little?! You look like you've just escaped from a Capellan power-cat!
CMDR BECKER: You're entitled to your opinion, even if it's boring and fussy, but I didn't come here for a lecture on sexual mores. I'm only here for treatment so I can sit down comfortably again.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: And you're not going to tell me who did this?
CMDR BECKER: A lady never tells.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: You're such a– is that a bite mark??
CMDR BECKER: Probably.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Probably?!
CMDR BECKER: Doc, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm if you don't calm down. Have you honestly never treated someone who got hurt during consensual sex?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Not for ass injuries.
CMDR BECKER: Do you really need to phrase it like that? We've gotta work on your bedside manner.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: In all the time I've known you, you've been adamant about avoiding intimacy. Now you've come to me all torn up, insisting that you happily engaged in rougher sex than I'm willing to imagine. Shouldn't I be worried?
CMDR BECKER: Can you worry after you treat me? I'm pretty sore. –OW! Was that necessary??
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Which one of us is the doctor?
CMDR BECKER: At times I wonder.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Do you want me to treat you or not?
CMDR BECKER: Not if it hurts!
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Oh, so now you want to avoid pain!
CMDR BECKER: Fine, doctor me up, but at least stop talking.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Hmph. [...] You'll need an antibiotic shot. Don't complain about it.
CMDR BECKER: Painkiller first? [...] Quit grumbling, doc. I'm just ask– OW. So rude.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Painkiller, immune booster, and antibiotic. I've used up a week's worth of hyposprays on your ungrateful ass.
CMDR BECKER: Trust me, my ass is extremely grateful.
LT SYLEK: ...Have I come at an inopportune time?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Not at all, lieutenant. I could use a second opinion about proper conduct for a patient.
CMDR BECKER: Aren't you going to ask what he's here for?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: I already know. –Sit tight, lieutenant. I've been so preoccupied with this idiot that I haven't started prepping for you.
CMDR BECKER: Go ahead, doc. I'll keep him entertained while you get ready.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: I don't need your permission!!
CMDR BECKER: [...] I may have put them in a bad mood. I hope they don't take it out on you.
LT SYLEK: You need not worry on my behalf, commander.
CMDR BECKER: I suppose not.
LT SYLEK: [...] I require regular injections of a synthesized hormone to supplement the natural secretions of a particular gland that sustained damage in my youth and thus does not produce an adequate amount.
CMDR BECKER: I didn't ask.
LT SYLEK: I surmised from the intensity of your stare that the question was inevitable.
CMDR BECKER: ...Well, I wasn't going to demand an answer.
LT SYLEK: The knowledge may be pertinent, as I believe my natural imbalance caused my cycle to desynchronize from the captain's.
CMDR BECKER: So I have your damaged glands to thank for yesterday.
LT SYLEK: ...Technically, yes, commander.
CMDR BECKER: And last night.
LT SYLEK: Really, commander...
CMDR BECKER: And this morning.
LT SYLEK: Commander–!
CMDR BECKER: Sorry. You're just so much fun to tease.
LT SYLEK: In regards to... last night. –and this morning.
CMDR BECKER: Go on.
LT SYLEK: I was not in full possession of my faculties.
CMDR BECKER: So I gathered.
LT SYLEK: However, I seem to recall that you mentioned not having known about your chimerism until a certain point, and that you are as you are "now". I deduced that there was a specific triggering event that caused a drastic change in form.
CMDR BECKER: Yeah. I looked like a normal human girl right up until my last year at the academy.
LT SYLEK: Based on our respective service records, I would have been an underclassman at the time. ...Were you the casualty from the Polaris incident?
CMDR BECKER: Good memory. Yep, that was me.
LT SYLEK: I heard a great deal of gossip in the immediate aftermath, and read the full report later on.
CMDR BECKER: Huh. I never got around to reading it.
LT SYLEK: As I recall, a crew of young cadets, chaperoned by an upperclassman, were engaged in practice fleet maneuvers when one of two engines in their spacecraft failed. The upperclassman instructed the cadet navigator to use the imbalance of the ship to spiral toward a safe location away from the other ships, then went to the engine room to assist with repairs, at which point–
CMDR BECKER: At which point an explosion caused a coolant pipe to rupture, and I managed to get all my juniors out of the engine room, but I wasn't fast enough to save myself—and lost over 40% of my body to the corrosive coolant.
LT SYLEK: The report only stated that the injury was "severe", and that the cadet's heroic actions merited graduation with full honors. If I recall correctly, you were exempted from the Kobayashi Maru evaluation.
CMDR BECKER: That was the academy's decision. I didn't get a say in it because I was in a coma for six months.
LT SYLEK: You need not tell me more if it pains you.
CMDR BECKER: I don't mind. I never get to talk about it because I don't want everyone knowing.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Are you actually telling him the story? I thought–
CMDR BECKER: He already knows what's on the last page, doc. Might as well fill him in on what led up to it.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Are you going to tell him about your unethical quack of an ex?
CMDR BECKER: I was getting to that... unless you'd like to give it a shot.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: I would, actually. You're way too nice about it. I would've had her arrested and sued her.
CMDR BECKER: Maszu had me sign a waiver before I'd wrapped my head around what they'd done.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Maszu's almost as bad as Idylle. If I ever meet either of them, no one will ever find the body.
LT SYLEK: Are you referring to Professor Maszu from Starfleet Academy, and Dr. Idylle of Ardana, the highly accomplished geneticist?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: See?! If I'd known you back then, those two would only be famous in prison.
CMDR BECKER: I know, doc.
LT SYLEK: For what crime?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Forging Bec's signature on a medical Power of Attorney, conducting human trials for experimental treatment without consent, illegally accessing confidential medical files, illegally obtaining a genetic profile–
CMDR BECKER: Basically, they used my DNA to regenerate the parts of my body that I'd lost.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: And then to accuse you of lying about your genotype–!
CMDR BECKER: Well, if your girlfriend suddenly grew a–
LT CMDR D'NAAR: That's not the point! Besides, you know she was only really upset because she couldn't use you as a proof of concept.
CMDR BECKER: I think she might've been a little ticked off when she thought I was a guy.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: That makes it worse. After using you as an unwitting lab rat for her unapproved experiment, she acted like she had the right to blame you for the outcome!
LT SYLEK: So, the cells she cultured for regeneration were those of the absorbed male twin. Did she not realize what would happen? A genetic profile–
LT CMDR D'NAAR: That sorry excuse for a scientist didn't run the profile until after they'd started the regeneration so-called therapy.
LT SYLEK: That is an unacceptable oversight for a purported geneticist. She was not only unethical but incompetent.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Thank you.
CMDR BECKER: If you two are done with your righteous indignation session, I'm going to report to the bridge—unless you have more doctoring to inflict upon me first.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: You'll be back when the painkiller wears off, anyway.
LT SYLEK: You're hurt, Lois? ...It was my doing, was it not?
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Wait—you're the culprit?!
CMDR BECKER: You can make it up to me by enduring the lecture that the doc's been writing in their head this whole time.
LT SYLEK: Lois– Commander–
CMDR BECKER: If you're not on the bridge in fifteen minutes, I'll have the captain summon you.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: Fifteen minutes is plenty of time to put the fear into a man.
LT SYLEK: I will endure this for your sake, commander.
CMDR BECKER: You're an absolute peach. –Don't be too mean to him, doc.
LT CMDR D'NAAR: No promises, Bec.
First Officer's Log, Stardate 3450.2
It's been a week since we arrived at the Sig-Sixma system. The captain has at long last negotiated not only a ceasefire but an actual truce between the two sides of the conflict over SS-6. I don't know all the details, mostly because reading the transcripts of the negotiations gives me a headache—and I stayed well away from the actual sessions, since the captain thought the Hatta Feen might recognize my voice and address me as an "enlightened one", which might convince the Cantaar that we were biased toward the Kinleer.
In my officially-registered opinion, the Cantaar and the Kinleer are both a chore to talk to, but at least the Kinleer have interesting stupid reasons for opposing the Cantaar, whereas the Cantaar manage to be both infuriating and mind-numbingly dull. If I had to choose, I'd rather party with the Hatta Feen than with Prime Minister Makh Oee.
Since the negotiations have ended successfully, the representatives are off our ship, and we're headed for our next assignment, I think things might just settle down for a while.
[VULCAN FEMALE] T'Pin to Becker.
...Or not. –Becker here.
[VULCAN FEMALE] I have a personal request, which you are by no means obligated to grant.
Is this a sex thing?
[VULCAN FEMALE] Becker–
[VULCAN MALE] Yes, Lois, it is.
Oh, jeez. If you're already together, what do you need me for?
[VULCAN FEMALE] We do not need you. Sylek could sate me by himself.
[VULCAN MALE] But we have come to the conclusion that your involvement would be... desirable.
...Really? Both of you?
[VULCAN FEMALE] I do not wish to impose upon you, nor exert my authority as captain to compel your participation, but... if you are willing, as our friend, to take part...
Sylek, is this the blood fever talking?
[VULCAN MALE] I can assure you of the capt– of T'Pin's sincerity. She suggested inviting you to join us well before her pon farr began.
[VULCAN FEMALE] You make it seem as though I have been pining for her.
[VULCAN MALE] Have you not? I was under the impression–
[VULCAN FEMALE] Must you embarrass me at the only time I can feel it??
Whose quarters are you in?
[VULCAN FEMALE] Mine. –No, stop talking, she doesn't want to hear from you.
May I ask what it is that I don't want to hear?
[VULCAN FEMALE] My foolish betrothed wants to say that he has learned from the doctor how to properly–
[VULCAN MALE] Don't tell her that! –It is true that I have been quite thoroughly educated by the doctor, but that was for my own edification.
Give me three minutes to take a shower, then I'll come over.
[VULCAN FEMALE] You need not–
[VULCAN MALE] We do not require–
You better not talk this much once I get there. I intend to keep you both thoroughly distracted.
[VULCAN MALE] Yes, Lois. We await y– T'Pin, stop pulling on my sleeve. –We will see you soon.
Three minutes. Becker out.
...Maybe there's something to be said for the Sig-Sixma system after all. It's the only place where the stars aligned for me.
