The Placid has been given the dubious honor of a first contact mission, introducing ourselves to the inhabitants of the planet we've designated Charlie-Z but that they call Ascaz.
[VULCAN MALE] The correct pronunciation is "ascaZ", commander.
Not in my log. –Don't glare at me, captain. I promise to say it right when we speak to them.
[VULCAN FEMALE] For accuracy, let your log reflect that I was not glaring.
Of course you weren't, sir. I must have been confused by your eyebrows.
[VULCAN FEMALE] I trust that you will not allow your records to be affected by facial features in the future.
You're awfully trusting, captain. When the features I see include those pretty green eyes–
[EFROSIAN FEMALE] Whoa! Hold on tight—compensating for sudden gravitational shift.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Report, helmsman.
[EFROSIAN FEMALE] There's some kind of gravimetric distortion in this area, right WHOA HOLD ON AGAIN!!!
If I wasn't looking right at you, 'Az, I'd think you were steering with your butt.
[EFROSIAN FEMALE] I might as well be, for all the good it's doing!
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Sensors show a narrow beam of exceptionally high gravity emanating from the planet surface.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Artificial?
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Insufficient data. We'd have to examine the source.
[VULCAN FEMALE] You will join the landing party in the transporter room.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Captain, I'm not sure what effect the gravitational beam will have on transporter operations.
Would it have any effect on a shuttlecraft?
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Not if you don't fly right into it.
[VULCAN FEMALE] Then we will convene the landing party in the shuttle bay.
Woohoo! Road trip!
[[THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A TRANSCRIPT OF THE PLANETARY MISSION LOG. THE RECORDED PARTIES' NAMES HAVE BEEN ADDED AS ATTRIBUTIONS AFTER THE FACT.]]
CMDR BECKER: I still think you should've let me drive.
LT CMDR LENNOS: Not a chance, sir.
CMDR BECKER: You would've let Logan drive.
LT CMDR LENNOS: If I let Logan pilot anything, it's only to prevent her from tinkering with the engines while we're actively flying.
CMDR BECKER: You're setting a dangerous precedent.
LT CMDR LENNOS: I'm the Chief of Security. I'll handle it.
LT CMDR PHIZ: Looks like we've attracted a crowd. They seem... surprisingly calm.
CMDR BECKER: Showtime!
CPT T'PIN: Greetings. I am Captain T'Pin of Vulcan, commanding the starship Placid. We have come as representatives of the United Federation of Planets. May I speak to a representative of your government?
CONSUL ONOM: I am onoM, a consul of the anU nation. We welcome you to ascaZ.
CMDR BECKER: I'm Commander Becker of Earth. With respect, ma'am, you're taking the arrival of aliens extremely well.
CONSUL ONOM: The Well of Eternity has brought many strange vessels and their occupants to our world. It was only in recent times that we were able to fully grasp their extraterrestrial origin.
LT CMDR PHIZ: You mean– Pardon me, ma'am. I'm Lieutenant Commander Phiz of Edos. –By the "Well of Eternity", do you mean that area of amplified gravity?
CONSUL ONOM: Yes. We call it by its ancient name, though we now understand its nature as a scientific phenomenon. (doot doooooo doot doo-doo)
LT CMDR LENNOS: Hi, I'm Lieutenant Commander Lennos from the Twin Cities of the Andorian Empire. You say other vessels have landed here?
CONSUL ONOM: "Landed"... not quite. Your vessel is the first we have seen "land" under its own power.
CMDR BECKER: Yeesh. Any survivors?
CONSUL ONOM: Not to my knowledge—although I have only served as consul for nine years, so I have not been made privy to the specifics of such events prior to my service.
CPT T'PIN: My officers and I would like to discuss the possibility of your planet becoming a trade partner, and potentially a member, of the United Federation of Planets.
CONSUL ONOM: We would be honored to receive you. However... perhaps not all at once.
CPT T'PIN: We understand, consul. Perhaps my first officer and science officer could take some readings on your "Well of Eternity" while my security officer I accompany you to a more appropriate venue.
CONSUL ONOM: Thank you for your graciousness. The other consuls await us in the muirtA.
CMDR BECKER: Yes, sir. –Len, I don't want a repeat of the R'Naisse incident.
LT CMDR LENNOS: Understood, commander.
CONSUL ONOM: I must say, captain, I expected a starship to be considerably larger.
CPT T'PIN: We arrived in a shuttlecraft. The Placid is presently in orbit.
CONSUL ONOM: I suspected as much, but it seemed rude to presume...
LT CMDR PHIZ: C'm'on, let's see what that gravity thing is about!
CMDR BECKER: Hmm...? –Oh, right, gravity.
LT CMDR PHIZ: You seem distracted.
CMDR BECKER: Just wondering if we're really the first aliens to reach the planet alive.
LT CMDR PHIZ: I think you were staring at the captain's butt.
CMDR BECKER: I can multitask. –Stop laughing. That's an order.
First Officer's Log, Supplemental:
My unscientific analysis of the Well of Eternity is that it's creepy.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] I want to correct you, but you're not exactly wrong. I've never seen so much wreckage outside a salvage yard. Some of these ship pieces look like nothing we've ever encountered.
That's true. What's also true is that there are bones down there.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] You think I didn't notice?! It's really freaking me out.
Focus on your instruments. What's the deal with the gravity beam?
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] ... These readings make no sense.
Why am I not surprised? Just tell me what your readings show.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] It's a column of gravitons, densely packed and apparently stable—which makes no sense at all. The column has distinct yet permeable boundaries, extending from high orbit to approximately 500 feet above the "well".
The "well" looks to be some 200 feet deep. So, if a ship gets caught in the beam, it gets yanked down toward the surface and slammed into the well?
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] I mean, I guess—but that's another thing that makes no sense. There'd be crushed ships stacked up halfway to the ionosphere, not just a heap of broken pieces and an unsettling number of bones.
They must be removing some of the wreckage at intervals. The consul said that they only recently learned what was actually happening. Before then, they must've had a less scientific theory about where the ships were coming from.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] That's a fair point. They've probably got a museum of artifacts from crashed ships, with all kinds of plaques theorizing about their origin and purpose.
[ASCAZI MALE] That is essentially correct.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Eggs with legs!!!
Hello, sir. Did you say there is a museum of broken ships?
[ASCAZI MALE] Yes, at the ervuoL we have an extensive collection of objects from the Well of Eternity, as well as an outdoor museum park with exhibits on the various species that are buried there.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] ...Well, that's not the most horrible thing I've ever heard, but it's a close second.
There's still a lot of bones down there, Mister...?
[ASCAZI MALE] Ah, yes, pardon my lack of manners. I am ouD, one of the consuls of anU. My primary responsibilities lie in the areas of the arts, history, and our cultural heritage. Your party was greeted by onoM, whose purview includes science, engineering, and politics.
Is there a third consul in charge of religion?
[ASCAZI MALE] ...Yes and no. In keeping with tradition, the third consul and religious leader is... not a person.
Don't keep us in suspense, sir.
[ASCAZI MALE] It's a duck.
Phiz, stop laughing—and it's really an order this time.
[ASCAZI MALE] I quite understand. The absurdity of the situation has not escaped onoM and me, nor our most recent predecessors, but we would rather maintain the post than risk the emergence of a more serious religious presence.
Understandable.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] So you live on a planet with a gravity beam, and you worship ducks? ...Is it because they float?
[ASCAZI MALE] ...Perhaps.
Honestly, Phiz, I can't take you anywhere.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] Oof. Now my sides hurt from laughing so hard.
Serves you right. –Sir, we're obliged for your explanations.
[ASCAZI MALE] Not at all. We are gratified to welcome such a diverse group of interstellar travelers, especially those with the intelligence and means to avoid the Well of Eternity.
We're glad to have arrived here at much less than terminal velocity. Now, about the bones...
[ASCAZI MALE] Yes, the bones. Over the centuries, our people have salvaged the wreckage of many vessels, but we did not comprehend until embarrassingly recently that the creatures within them were sentient. They were regarded as animals—I know, it's horrible in hindsight. Since we developed interplanetary travel, we have handled the remains with much greater respect.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] If you have exhibits on the ships and species that crashed here, we might be able to provide more information—the names of species, the designations of ships, et cetera.
[ASCAZI MALE] I would be honored to escort you to the ervuoL, if you care to join me.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] The honor is all mine, consul.
[ASCAZI MALE] You must call me ouD.
[EDOSIAN FEMALE] ...I'll try.
You two go ahead—and, Phiz, behave yourself.
Continuing the log: It's a nice planet, as far as I've seen. The Ascazi—I'm saying that wrong because I'm afraid I'll sprain my tongue if I try doing it right—they're generally between 7 and 8 feet tall, with long limbs and long-ish necks. No wonder the consul was flirting with Phiz; she's probably the only one in our party that looks like an adult person to them, albeit with one fewer arm and leg than they–
[VULCAN MALE] Placid to Commander Becker. Come in, please.
Becker receiving. You know, I'd almost made a complete log entry.
[VULCAN MALE] My apologies. I am reporting the presence of another ship in orbit: a Tellarite trading vessel.
Have they hailed you?
[VULCAN MALE] Indeed. We communicated briefly with their deputy chief. They evidently were already aware of the gravity phenomenon.(doot doooooo doot doo-doo)
I presume they're here to trade. Did you inform the captain yet?
[VULCAN MALE] Not as yet, commander. I have been unable to raise her, though our sensors show she is alive and undamaged.
As long as you're getting the same readings on Lennos, I'm not worried.
[VULCAN MALE] Lieutenant Commander Lennos seems to also be well, but I am reading a non-ascaZi in close proximity.
Tellarite?
[VULCAN MALE] Yes, sir.
Could mean trouble if they're getting involved in the negotiations... Beam me up, Sylek. I have a nutty idea that might just give us an edge.
[VULCAN MALE] Did Lieutenant Commander Phiz not say that it would be dangerous to use the transporter in light of the gravity phenomenon?(doot doooooo doot doo-doo)
Based on the readings she took, I'm inclined to think otherwise.
[VULCAN MALE] The risk is too great. What if the signal were to be drawn into the gravitational distortion?
Then tell your wife I said she has an amazing ass.
[VULCAN MALE] Lois...
Okay, fine, don't beam me up—but you'll have to beam something down to me.
[VULCAN MALE] I would be gratified to provide anything you might need, commander.
Man, I wish I could see your face right now. The expression you'll make when I tell you what I need is going to be highly entertaining.
[VULCAN MALE] It will not. Tell me what it is that you need.
Corn.
... Still there, Sylek?
[VULCAN MALE] Are you attempting to be humorous?
Nope. Also, I'm not telling you why until we get back on board.
[VULCAN MALE] That seems to me to be a spiteful reaction.
Nah. A spiteful reaction would involve me licking your ear. This is just pettiness.
[VULCAN MALE] I stand corrected.
Now rustle me up about a pound of dried field corn. Think you can handle that?
[VULCAN MALE] Really, commander... if I were not a Vulcan, I would find that question insulting.
Whatever you say, cute. Just get me that corn.
... I know a Vulcan who's getting his ears licked very soon.
[[THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A TRANSCRIPT OF THE PLANETARY MISSION LOG. THE RECORDED PARTIES' NAMES HAVE BEEN ADDED AS ATTRIBUTIONS AFTER THE FACT.]]
CPT T'PIN: While I acknowledge that Captain Tengi has your permission to be present, I maintain that his opinions should not be considered representative of the Federation's attitude toward ascaZ.
CPT TENGI: I represent Tellarite interests in this matter. Tellarites are Federation citizens. We have the right to speak up if our interests are not receiving due consideration!
CONSUL ONOM: Friends, neither of you is incorrect, but it has become impossible to continue the conversation, since you have disagreed on every topic under discussion.
CPT TENGI: I would not disagree if this Vulcan had any intelligence!
CPT T'PIN: Consul, there has been some tension between his people and mine because of a diplomatic incident caused by a third party.
CONSUL ONOM: Perhaps we should take a short recess.
CMDR BECKER: A moment, ma'am, if you would. –Len, why are you biting your own finger?
CPT T'PIN: I have forbidden her from speaking for the moment. Why have you entered the muirtA, commander?
CMDR BECKER: Not just because I missed you, captain. –Madam consul, in lieu of a recess, I would like to suggest that the three consuls vote immediately on whether to enter into trade relations with the Federation as a whole or with the Tellarites specifically.
CONSUL ONOM: ...Very well, but you must be patient and accept the result of the vote. If the three consuls cannot reach a unanimous decision, both your proposals will be rejected.
CPT T'PIN: Commander, are you reasonably certain that this vote will produce the desired result?
CPT T'PIN: Madam consul, should our proposal be rejected, would we be forbidden from making further proposals of this nature?
CONSUL ONOM: Not at all. We would request that you give us a little time between proposals, but so long as you do not make a nuisance of yourselves then we would welcome you.
CPT T'PIN: Then I concur with my first officer. Captain Tengi, will you abide by the outcome of the vote?
CPT TENGI: It is obvious that our proposal is far more profitable, so of course we will win. I agree to abide by the vote.
CONSUL ONOM: Very well. –Consul ouD, we have been asked to convene for a vote. Are you nearby?
CONSUL OUD: Indeed, Consul onoM. I was just on my way back from the ervuoL with the delightful Ms. Phiz. You know, we're going to need to overhaul nearly all our exhibits, but I find myself rather looking forward to it. –Shall we, my dear?
LT CMDR PHIZ: Oh, consul, you're too much!
CMDR BECKER: ...I don't think I was psychologically prepared for flirty Phiz.
LT CMDR LENNOS: That's what it's like listening to you when you're with the captain!
CMDR BECKER: I thought Len wasn't allowed to talk.
CPT T'PIN: I will permit it for the sake of accuracy.
CMDR BECKER: Oof. Talk about a one-two punch.
CONSUL OUD: Here I am, ready for the vote. –I'll return your lovely science officer, Captain T'Pin.
CPT TENGI: Cheat! Using your influence on one of the consuls is cheating!
CONSUL ONOM: Patience, good sir, patience. Remember, the vote must be unanimous in order for either proposal to be accepted.
LT CMDR LENNOS: Ugh. That guy's smug face makes my knuckles itch.
CPT T'PIN: Enough, lieutenant commander.
LT CMDR PHIZ: You guys won't believe the stuff they have on exhibit. There's a Klingon–
CPT T'PIN: Enough.
CONSUL ONOM: The vote will commence as soon as the two parties present their tributes.
CPT TENGI: No one said anything about a tribute!
CPT T'PIN: Commander...
CMDR BECKER: Don't worry. I've got it covered.
CONSUL OUD: Your tribute, good sir...
CPT TENGI: I only have a few strips of latinum on me—but there's plenty more aboard my ship!
CONSUL OUD: The substance is of greater importance than the quantity. Thank you for your tribute.
CONSUL ONOM: And the tribute from the Federation?
CMDR BECKER: Here, ma'am.
CONSUL ONOM: ...Is this a grain?
CMDR BECKER: Yes. We call it "corn".
CPT TENGI: Ha! This planet is lush and fertile! What need have they for grain?
CONSUL ONOM: Thank you for your tribute. We will convene with the third consul to vote. Please wait here.
CPT T'PIN: ... Explain your choice of tribute.
CMDR BECKER: Is that an order?
CPT T'PIN: ...Are you attempting to be humorous?
CMDR BECKER: That's what Sylek said, too!
CPT T'PIN: Disregard the order. –Lieutenant Commander Phiz, may I ask what you find so amusing?
CMDR BECKER: Hmm hmm hmm.
CPT T'PIN: A more emotional captain would have lost her temper by now.
CMDR BECKER: We're very proud of you, sir. Speaking of emotional captains... –Captain Tengi, if you don't mind my asking, what's your particular interest in this planet as a trading partner?
CPT TENGI: Wouldn't you like to know...
CMDR BECKER: Just curious, sir. It's a prosperous planet, but the only really unique feature is the gravimetric anomaly.
CPT TENGI: I know nothing about harvesting gravitons! Why would you ask such a thing??
LT CMDR PHIZ: She didn't. You're planning to harvest gravitons? ...Why?
CPT TENGI: Why not? Stable gravitons are unheard-of!
LT CMDR PHIZ: But who would buy them when it's possible to generate them?
CPT TENGI: I hardly expect an Edosian to understand the brilliant workings of the Tellarite mind.
CMDR BECKER: Don't let him get to you, Phiz. You know we'll have the last laugh.
CPT TENGI: So you say!
CONSUL OUD: Distinguished guests, friends of the ascaZi, we thank you for your patience. We have reached a unanimous decision. –onoM, would you do the honors?
CONSUL ONOM: The three consuls have voted to enter a trade agreement with the Federation, as outlined in the proposal presented by Captain T'Pin of Vulcan.
CPT TENGI: How is this possible?? My offering was one thousand times more valuable than theirs!!!
CMDR BECKER: Madam consul, sir consul, we request the honor of thanking the third consul personally.
CONSUL ONOM: That would be... highly irregular.
CONSUL OUD: Come now, onoM, what would be the harm? The third consul so rarely appears in the public spaces of the muirtA, anyway.
CONSUL ONOM: ...Very well. I shall summon serT.
CMDR BECKER: Here, captain, take a handful of corn.
CPT T'PIN: ...To what end?
CMDR BECKER: Fostering diplomatic relations.
CONSUL ONOM: Friends of ascaZ, I present to you Consul serT.
CPT TENGI: Consul, I object to– What?!
CONSUL SERT: Quack.
First Officer's Log, Supplemental:
It's tough to decide, but I'm awarding the bronze medal for best reaction to Captain Tengi, who said a lot of creatively rude things to all three consuls; the silver medal to Lennos, whose antennae wiggled adorably in delight; and the gold goes to our own wonderful captain, who, after a few seconds of stunned silence, held out her handful of corn to the third consul and said "I am honored" in a slightly strangled voice. I'll be laughing about it for the next six months.
And now we've taught that Tellarite trader a valuable lesson about market research. He didn't take it half as well as Consul Out took Phiz's many, many, many corrections to their exhibits on alien ships. She and Logan are down on the planet, helping with extensive museum renovations while the captain and Consul Onom hammer out the trade agreement and lay out a plan for eventual entry into the Federation.
T'Pin claims not to be annoyed about my corn-based antics, and yet she confined me to quarters for the next six hours. It doesn't take a psychologist to interpret what that's about.
While I'm waiting, I might as well–
Never mind. –Come in.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] hel_lo bec godmother // i have ar_rived with sylek lieutenant //
[VULCAN MALE] The entity was roaming the halls, so I suggested a visit to you as a more productive use of its time.
Of course. Have a seat, Sylek. –Crys, you can land somewhere if you want to.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] i enjoy being in the air but thank you for considering my fe_elings //
Sweetie, if anybody isn't being considerate of your feelings, send them straight to your godmother. I'll make sure they understand their error.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] thank you bec godmother //
[VULCAN MALE] The captain told me that you acted recklessly on the planet surface, and thus you are being punished.
I'm not calling her a liar, but I am saying that she's probably actually annoyed that I didn't tell her about the third consul.
[VULCAN MALE] I cannot comment as to the captain's exact motives.
She's within her rights to punish me for undesirable behavior. I was definitely being annoying on purpose.
[VULCAN MALE] I did not anticipate that you would admit to doing so.
I just couldn't resist—and it was totally worth it to see her reaction to the third consul.
[VULCAN MALE] It is highly illogical for a people of such technological and cultural sophistication to place a waterfowl in a government position. One could be forgiven for being... startled.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] are waterfowl considered intel_ligent on the planet below ///
Nope. That's what makes it so funny.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] i se_e // that is quite humorous because it is unexpected for an unintel_ligent creature to hold a political of_fice // [...] was my reasoning in er_ror ///
Not at all, honey. I laughed because there's some unintentional irony there. I'll teach you about that some other time.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] is there any reason to delay the les_son ///
Yes. My astonishing psychic powers have revealed to me that Sylek wants to have a private conversation.
[VULCAN MALE] Commander–
That was a joke, Crys. I don't have any psychic powers, astonishing or otherwise.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] thank you for clarifying // next time i wil_l understand //
I suggest that you do a quick patrol of the engines, then if there aren't any problems you can come back here.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] i wil_l take your sug_gestion // se_e you later bec godmother // go_odbye sylek lieutenant //
See you soon, sweetie. [...] Gosh, what a cutie.
[VULCAN MALE] I cannot discern your criteria for designating a person as a "cutie". This marks the second time that you have used the term in conversation with me today. What precisely do Crys and I have in common?
Aww. What you have in common is that you're both a different kind of thing than I am, you're both very logical, and I like being around you both.
[VULCAN MALE] I see.
But Crys is essentially a child. You are emphatically not a child.
[VULCAN MALE] [...] The explanation was sufficient without the kiss.
It seemed like you wanted one. Sorry if you disliked it.
[VULCAN MALE] I did not dislike it. However, I fear that you may be attempting to distract me from the topic I wish to discuss with you.
No, I just like kissing you. Go on, tell me what's up.
[VULCAN MALE] When I contacted you on the planet, that thing you said...
Darling, I say things almost nonstop. You'll need to be a lot more specific.
[VULCAN MALE] When I reminded you of the potential risks of using the transporter near the anomaly, and posited that you... that your signal might...
I'm sorry. I wasn't really thinking about the danger. I was formulating my cunning plan to win over the third consul. What did I say, exactly?
[VULCAN MALE] To convey a specific compliment to the captain.
Oh. Right. Honestly, I was just being flippant and said whatever popped into my head.
[VULCAN MALE] I was not concerned because of what you said. It was your attitude regarding the possibility of...
I get it.
...Come over here. Let's do that hand thing that you like so much.
[VULCAN MALE] [...] You make it sound rather indecent.
You make it feel indecent. Do Vulcans have erogenous zones in their hands or something? –I mean, I like it, but it doesn't get me quite as flustered as it does you and T'Pin.
[VULCAN MALE] It is... difficult to explain. It is an intimacy of the mind as well as the body.
Probably works better between Vulcans, then.
[VULCAN MALE] When our hands touch, our fingers entwine, I feel your warmth, your heartbeat. The way your fingers move tells me more about your thoughts and intentions than your words ever could.
That's the sexiest way anyone's ever told me to shut up.
[VULCAN MALE] I am trying to explain... You have distracted me again.
Yeah. I'm not sure what to say about it, other than "sorry".
[VULCAN MALE] Lois, I value you—as an officer, as a companion, and as one who has mated with me.
Thanks... I think.
[VULCAN MALE] I do not object to your humor or your playful attitude. All I am asking is that you maintain awareness of your value—to me, to the captain, and to all those who rely upon you.
Okay. Thank you—seriously.
[VULCAN MALE] Your touch tells me that you would like to be kissed.
And what will you do with this information?
[VULCAN MALE] I– [...] Do you hear that?
I think that's a tiny grabby hand knocking on my door. –Is that you, Crys?
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] yes bec godmother // the engines are operating cor_rectly //
Excellent. –Sylek, would you–
[VULCAN MALE] I should return to my station. I will let the entity back in.
Oh. Okay, then.
[VULCAN MALE] Though I ought to answer your question first.
What qu– [...] Oh, wow. Good answer.
[VULCAN MALE] Goodbye, commander.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] hel_lo and also go_odbye sylek lieutenant //
Welcome back, sweetie.
[CYBERNETIC NONBINARY] wil_l you teach me about irony now ///
